Author’s Note: This beautiful photo is a drone shot taken by my husband, Jon. The story you are about to read is true. It may not be everyone’s experience, but it is mine. I hesitated to share it, but Jon encouraged me to post it. He said it matters. I trust his wisdom, so here it is.
One breath, one heartbeat, one step, one sorrow-weighted moment at a time the reality of cancer pursues me. Even on my best days (which I have a lot of) it sometimes feels like someone has placed a dark, heavy, stiff garment on my shoulders.
The other day, although I felt mostly good physically, on the inside, the truth of my diagnosis bogged my heart and mind down and threatened to take my breath away under the pressure of its almost constant pressing and nagging.
Instead of sitting around, I went for a walk which is excellent medicine for me. As my steps lagged from the onslaught of thoughts that felt like taunts, I asked God to show me how to deal with the almost constant invisible presence of this earthly enemy.
The warm breeze blew across the wildflower garden and carried the comforting scents of the blossoms my way. I took a few deep breaths. Birds flew to and fro. Butterflies fluttered among the nectar-filled blossoms. It was a beautiful day, but the words I heard months ago scrambled around in my brain like caged hamsters on a wheel.
Momentarily, the joy of the beauty around me was almost obliterated.
So, I headed for one of my favorite places. Sitting beside my photo fort drinking tea a thought came to me as I pondered the sometimes over-whelming reality of my illness and deep sorrows for others facing their own earthly enemies.
People like you.
You know similar sorrows even if you don’t have cancer. Someone you love has it. Or had it and is gone. Or you’re facing one or a myriad of other circumstances that weigh you down, nag at your spirit, steal your breath, dog at your heels, tear up your insides, and each step you take is like walking through knee-deep mud in combat boots with a colossal backpack loaded with pain and sorrow.
Some of our aches are so awful they remain unnamed, and our only comfort is that God knows, and we are confident He loves us no matter what. However, people might not, and the thought that they might find out adds pounds to your backpack.
Okay, back to my tea and pondering time.
I told God that the invisible garment felt like a shroud – the wrappings of death full of the awful stench of the fear of suffering even though I know God will use it for His glory and I want that but without the suffering. (Please be kind – I do look forward to heaven it’s just that the way from here to there can be rugged. I’ve seen it first-hand.)
Immediately after sharing my grief with the One who loves me most, I saw something in my imagination. I dare not call it a vision because I have no idea if there is any biblical support for what I “saw” in my mind’s eye. And I must take my over-active imagination into account.
But why wouldn’t He use that very thing to touch and teach me? Seems like something He might do.
Anyway, I saw my spirit. It was gray and bowed low in my body. Its shoulders drooped under the weight. One word passed over my heart: hopeless.
I wanted to run from the things I saw but felt a loving whisper across my heart that said, “Wait.”
As I let my mind stand in place, unseen but powerful hands helped that spirit part of me up. Immediately, the shroud-like cloak that covered my spirit in the tightness and stench of what looked like death was cast away.
What remained was a very heavy golden velvet robe. Vivid. Real. To my inner eyes.
One word came with this garment: mantle.
The once bowed down part of me stood tall and strong and sure. And in the grace-filled folds of the transformed garment, my spirit now wore rested the weight of my faith.
And I praised the One I put my faith in so long ago.
Jesus. The Son of God who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit God who has known all about me since before He formed me in mother’s womb. He knows about every cell in my body, including the cancer-filled ones.
In those seconds of “seeing,” a promise of healing didn’t come. No white-hot light radiated inside my body where the CT scan lit up the screen and revealed the places cancer had invaded.
But in the stillness, God was there and had been all along.
I also saw that while the darkness of the shroud was gone, I stood in a shadow of indescribable all-enveloping love and unearthly power.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1 (ESV)
While I cannot prove the spiritual significance of this experience, I cannot write it off as trickery or useless imagination.
It was and is a gift that I cannot fully explain or describe, but I can remember when that dark shroud tries to shove its way back onto my shoulders because that’s what enemies do.
Until Next Time,
Joy
What a beautiful gift the Lord gave you! You have been in my prayers, Joy. I’m so glad to know the Lord is giving you grace for the journey and a vision of what is to come. We will be totally healed in His time and in His perfect plan. Until then, we can count on his love and grace to carry us through. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you, Carrie! You are in my prayers too. God’s grace is more and more amazing! And you are SO right – we will be!!!
Wow, Joy, this was so moving, raw, and hope-filled. As you share your experiences you are weaving a blanket of understanding around your readers, both for what you are dealing with and what we are or may be facing in the future. Thank you. With hugs and prayers going your way, Jill
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement my friend!
How beautifully hopeful your story Joy! We all shall walk that path. But how sweet to know these glorious days we have yet are not wasted but light that clears the way. How good to know we are heading to Him and shall not die without him. So glad Jon encouraged you to post. God has lifted the heavy mantle for a lighter one! Praying for your walk to be even sweeter 💜🌿
Thank you most of all for your prayers! And your kind encouragement! We are heading for Him. I love that.
Thank you.
You’re welcome and thank you!
Joy, thank you for sharing how God is comforting you. What a beautiful picture of His love! You are an inspiration. Praying for you!❤
I am so grateful for your prayers!
You are such a blessing to me, Joy!
And how you and your words bless me!
I’m standing, shoulder to shoulder with you, my victorious warrior friend. It is not a battle we long to fight, but I’m grateful that He paid the price for our victory…on the hard days, on the easier days, on the days we almost forget the pain. Keep looking up friend…He is smiling down on you.
You are so right – it’s not a battle we would choose but He is our victory!
Joy, this was just beautiful. I have had God speak to me in similar ways and it always was a confirmation of His presence, His power and His steadfast, certain love. Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I have an uncle who is only a few year older than us. He has been battling pancreatic cancer and now has cancer in his colon. He is going in for surgery on Thursday. Though it is hard for the whole family, I can praise our precious Savior that he and his family know Him. Everything that comes into our lives trickles down through His loving hands. Thank you for sharing your journey. – Amy
https://stylingrannymama.com/
I am praying for your uncle! Please send an update when you can.
What a precious gift and beautiful use of metaphor. He is the author of all good things, is he not? “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17 Continuing to pray for you, dear friend!
You are so right my friend! He is the giver of all good things! Thank you for your prayers. They are precious.
What a tender moment between you and your Lord! And what a gift that you have shared it with us!
I pray, as I sit here thinking, that God will continue to make the image He communicated to you in that moment a tangible reality day after day as you face this very real battle. May the weight of His love and His grace set you free from the burdens of the struggle, and carry you through it all in His tender care!
Thank you! His tenderness in those moments continues to reside in my heart. Praise Him!
In this case your husband was correct to push you to reflect on your thoughts and write them down for us to share. You are such an encouragement for many. God is always present to us if we allow it.
It is very hard for me when the dark cloud surrounds me to hang on to my joy. This is God’s glory that I so want. What I have learned to do is give myself one hour in a day, to focus on my doubts, my distorted projections of what is going to be and release my tensions with tears if needed. The rest of the twenty-three hours in the day I focus on “whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” If I draw closer to Jesus he will draw closer to me.
May God continue in sending you His comfort, healing power and enfold you into His wonderful love.
I love the power of “whatsoever” too!
Powerful and beautifully shared. Thank you for allowing us to glimpse into that most personal place to and to feel hope along with you as we discover Him anew. You are beautiful and precious, Joy.
Oh my friend, Paula – thank you!
You are amazing Joy. I love reading what you write. What a beautiful picture of who GOD really is. Your writing is so full of truth and beauty. Thank you for sharing this
Thank you, my friend!
Beautifully put! You’re in my prayers. “May the peace of God, which passes all understanding, keep your heart an mind in Christ Jesus.” There are so many passages that come to mind when I think of you and pray. I have a confidence that The Holy Spirit continually brings them to your mind, as well. When you get to Heaven, this please look for my mother, Frances Beardsley and my grandmother, Anna Redmond. The three of you will have a thousand years of things to share with one another. Maybe you’ll get a chance to know my little son and aunt and uncle. They will all lift your heavenly heart! ❤️
It’s wonderful to ponder those we love and will see again. And others we haven’t met yet!